


Letting Go (of my hand holding yours tightly)

by thefanpiggy



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Fluff and Angst, Love Letters, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:34:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27208978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefanpiggy/pseuds/thefanpiggy
Summary: Thank you so much for the memories, Jeong Jaehyun.I'm finally letting you go.I’m letting go of my hand that is holding yours tightly.Just know that until the end, it's you, and will always be you.I love you.Love,Kim Doyoung.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung
Comments: 6
Kudos: 86





	Letting Go (of my hand holding yours tightly)

**Author's Note:**

> eyo again! i'm back with another jaedo fic, this time it's angst!!! 
> 
> This fic is heavily inspired by the song Paubaya by Moira Dela Torre. I suggest you listen to that song while you read this because it hurts so much :(((
> 
> This fic is not beta-ed. Grammatical errors are expected.
> 
> Enjoy reading!

Inside the quiet apartment lived a man, whose heart is broken. The neighbors know him as Jae, yet none of them know the pain that he's been feeling. 

Jaehyun could feel the air hitting his skin as he sat upon the windowsill. Looking tearfully at the object resting on his hand, he began to read the letters from his beloved. 

**_My prince,_ **

**_I actually don't know how to start writing this letter. I just want to let you know how I feel, I guess._ **

**_The past two years have been one of the happiest moments in my life. I can't believe you're mine._ **

**_But at the same time, I've never been hurt like this before. Where did everything start to change? Was it my fault? Maybe I wasn't enough for you?_ **

**_I just wish that you would've told me sooner._ **

**_I wish you straight up told me that you still love him._ **

**_I was the one you needed, yet I wasn't the person you loved._ **

**_Love,_ **

**_Your bunny_ **

  
  


Jaehyun knew that Doyoung tried his best. It wasn't because he wasn't enough for him. Doyoung was more than enough. 

It's just…. Doyoung wasn't  _ him.  _

Him pertaining to Lee Taeyong. 

His first and still the love of his life. 

To some people it was cruel, why would you enter a relationship when you're not yet over your ex? It was unfair. Especially, if your current significant other knew nothing about it. 

But Doyoung knew. 

He always did.

So technically, Jaehyun wasn't at fault here. He tried to convince himself a thousand times. 

Jaehyun took a sip of his now cold tea, grimacing at the taste. He stood up to make another cup, reading the second letter.

**_My prince,_ **

**_I tried my best. I tried my best to make you happy. I took you to every arcade in the city because I know how much you love them._ **

**_Then I saw your photos with him on your phone when you were taking a bath._ **

**_I'm sorry, I breached your privacy. I just wanted to know if you have a picture of me. It hurts my heart that I only found one, and it was a meme of me that was sent to you by Hyuck._ **

**_I found an album of him instead. I didn't know he was an avid fan of arcade games. Maybe that's why you liked it too?_ **

**_I did everything I could to make you smile. Thank you so much for trying to enjoy my presence and appreciating my efforts._ **

**_I could see that you were just forcing yourself to be with me. How come I didn't see that? Or maybe I did, I was just pretending not to._ **

**_I was beside you the whole time, yet your heart was looking for him instead._ **

**_Love,_ **

**_Your Bunny_ **

Jaehyun remembered that day. 

_ He was stalking Taeyong's Instagram account, reminiscing their memories when Doyoung suddenly jumped on his back and told him to get dressed because they were going somewhere fun.  _

_ Jaehyun wore his denim jacket and his ripped jeans along with his black Converse. When he glanced at his dresser he saw the watch that Doyoung gave him during his birthday.  _

_ Thinking that it might make his boyfriend happy, he wore that too. Maybe he should've hidden the necklace on his neck better instead.  _

_ They went on a date, in an arcade. Jaehyun felt like someone stabbed his heart as he kept remembering all those memories with Taeyong.  _

_ The arcade was Taeyong's favorite place to be. Maybe Doyoung thought that Jaehyun liked playing games here too? Nevertheless, he was thankful. At least, he could pretend that Doyoung was Taeyong instead.  _

_ That night, when they were getting ready to sleep, Doyoung turned to him, hugged him tightly, and rested his head on the younger's chest.  _

_ "Did you have fun?" _

_ Jaehyun hummed in response, feeling the sleepiness kick in. He could feel the older man rake his fingers through Jaehyun's hair.  _

_ "That's good."  _

_ Doyoung continued to stroke his luscious locks, making Jaehyun succumb to sleep. He placed a soft kiss on Jaehyun's forehead.  _

_ "I'm glad I made you happy, even just temporarily."  _

_ He tucked Jaehyun in and turned off the lamp on their bedside table. The low hum of the air conditioner could be heard along with the light pattering of the rain on their window.  _

_ "I love you, my prince. I hope you could love me soon."  _

Jaehyun snapped out of his reverie when he heard the whistle of the kettle, signaling that the hot water was ready. He placed the second letter at the side and made his tea. 

He noticed that the tea he was drinking was a rosemary tea. 

Doyoung's favorite. 

He looked outside the window again, noticing his reflection. He looked tired, the bags under his eyes getting darker as he wasn't getting enough sleep. 

He slapped himself lightly, going back to the living room to read the third and final letter. 

The longest one. 

**_Jaehyun,_ **

**_I'm not going on circles anymore. I'll be straightforward._ **

**_I know you're still not over him._ **

**_I know._ **

**_It hurts…. It hurts that when you sleep, you mutter his name while hugging me._ **

**_You hugged me and told me to never leave you._ **

**_And Jaehyun, I was fucking ecstatic to hear that, I thought finally. You love me. It was over._ **

**_You finally forgot about him. But no._ **

**_You said his name instead._ **

**_I know you're not happy with me. Why did you even say yes when I asked you out? Why, Jaehyun?_ **

**_But don't worry, I'm not blaming you. It's my fault anyway. I asked a man who was clearly not yet over his fucking ex._ **

**_I was a masochist._ **

**_I thought…. I thought I could make you love me. I did everything I could, I even pretended to love everything he does, his favorite foods._ **

**_I tried so hard to be him that I lost myself in the process._ **

**_But, Jaehyun._ **

**_I'm tired._ **

**_I'm tired of knowing that your heart is not for me. I'm tired of pretending that you love me. I'm tired of expecting you'll love me back._ **

**_Because deep down inside, I know you'll never get over him._ **

**_I know it wasn't your intention to hurt me, and I'm thankful, really. But I know about the ring._ **

**_The ring that you put in a chain and you wear every single day._ **

**_I bought you a watch so that maybe, you could let go of that ring, but you only wore it once. During that fucking arcade date._ **

**_I heard you and Johnny talking. He told you to break up with me because you were hurting me too much. You said that you can't._ **

**_Because I would be hurt more._ **

**_So, I did the deed for you._ **

**_I want you to be happy, Jaehyun. And I know that you won't achieve that with me._ **

**_I hope you're proud._ **

**_I hope you'll be happy._ **

**_I hope he'll love you back._ **

**_I hope he'll take care of you, like I did, or even better than I did_ **

**_Because I'm entrusting you to him._ **

**_Thank you so much for the memories, Jeong Jaehyun._ **

**_I'm finally letting you go._ **

**_I’m letting go of my hand that is holding yours tightly._ **

**_Just know that until the end, it's you, and will always be you._ **

**_I love you._ **

**_Love,_ **

**_Kim Doyoung._ **

**_P.S. You can sell the watch if you want. You can buy him another ring with the money you'll get. It's perfect for your new start with him._ **

  
  


Jaehyun finally let out the sob that he's been holding on for so long. It hurts so much. He didn’t love Doyoung, yet why was he breaking down in the middle of their living room while reading his letters. He traced the faint tear stains on the paper, thinking of the image of Doyoung crying while writing this letter. 

Why is Kim Doyoung so selfless?

Maybe he’s been in love with him all along, his broken heart just got the better of him. 

How did he realize this? 

Jaehyun remembered the lowest point in his life. 

_ “Where are you taking me, hyung?” He asked as Doyoung ushered him to pack his bags. The older male busy fussing over which bags to use and which things to bring.  _

_ “We’re going on a trip, Woojae!” Doyoung answered, getting a bottle of sunscreen and other skincare products. “Be sure to bring your toothbrush.” _

_ Jaehyun hummed in response, finally finished packing his things. “You’re still not going to tell me?” he pouted as he hugged Doyoung from behind. “I deserve to know, I’ll be driving after all.” _

_ “Who said you’re driving?” _

_ “Uh. I assumed it since you helped me get my driver’s license?” _

_ “Huh? You wish.” _

_ Jaehyun followed the older man around, still hanging off his back. His arms wrapped around the thin waist. “Please let me drive?” _

_ Doyoung turned around to face him, squished his cheeks, and pecked his lips. “On what condition?” _

_ “I dunno, you tell me.” his answer came out a bit muffled as his cheeks were mushed together. “One more kiss please.” _

_ Doyoung granted his wish, leaning in and kissing him full on the lips.  _

_ Jaehyun could feel the peach flavored lip balm that Doyoung puts on, his tongue poked out a bit before swiping over the bunny man’s upper lip, asking for entrance.  _

_ He opened his mouth, letting Jaehyun’s tongue in. Their bodies now pressed against each other. Jaehyun lifted him on the kitchen counter, hiking the shirt up to caress the soft skin underneath. _

_ He could feel the fingers scratching along his back, he knew that it would leave marks, but he didn't care. They pulled away, Doyoung’s face was a bit flushed from the lack of air.  _

_ “Would you let me drive now?” _

_ Doyoung immediately nodded in agreement. _

_ “Will you tell me where?”  _

_ Doyoung shook his head no, pushing Jaehyun away gently to grab their things and to put on his shoes. _

_ “Let’s go!” _

_ When they arrived at the destination, Jaehyun almost cried at how thoughtful Doyoung was.  _

_ They were at a camping site where you could see the town below. It’s still in the city, but it feels like a province with the various trees around them.  _

_ “I-I know you haven’t been feeling well.” Doyoung started as they laid down at the grass, staring at the stars. Doyoung was cuddled up on Jaehyun’s side, the latter holding him close in his chest. _

_ “I figured that taking you here might make you feel better.” he started tracing different patterns on Jaehyun’s abs through his shirt. “I want to make you happy, at least just for a quick moment.” _

_ Jaehyun could feel the collar of his shirt getting wet from Doyoung’s tears.  _

_ “I want to make you forget about the pain you’re feeling and replace it with happiness. With love.” _

_ “Hyung…” _

_ “And I wanted you to know, I’ll do everything to make you happy, Jaehyun.” _

_ Doyoung pressed a gentle kiss on Jaehyun’s chest, hiding his face in the crook of his neck. _

_ “And I’m willing to wait for you to love me.” _

_ “I love you, my prince.” _

\---

Doyoung groaned, stuffing the pillow in his face as if it can stop the loud knocks on his door. Finally getting up, he stomped towards the direction of the door, silently practicing his lines. He yanked the door open and was ready to tell the person to fuck off yet he stopped.

He expected it to be Ten, or even Haechan to annoy him again.

What he didn’t expect was his love.

Jeong Jaehyun was right outside his door.

Jaehyun in his denim jacket, with his ripped jeans.

“Hi, Doyoung hyung.”

Doyoung observed the younger man. His eyes couldn’t help but wander up Jaehyun’s neck, his heart aching at the thought of seeing the necklace there again.

The necklace that holds the ring. A symbol that Jaehyun will always love Taeyong.

But it was gone. The ring wasn’t there.

Jaehyun rolled up his sleeve, and there it was his watch. 

The watch that Doyoung bought for him. 

_ ‘Does that mean?....’ _

“It’s time for me to hold your hand now.”

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are highly appreciated!! 
> 
> follow me on [twitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/thefanpiggy) i tweet about jaedo a lot
> 
> leave a comment on my [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/thefanpiggy) if you wish to remain anonymous!!


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